Friday, July 21, 2006

Saturday morning at one am

Sitting here in my smoking jacket remembering my day, How amazing it has been, I have been surrounded with love , through emails, and personal contact,thank you. I went out tonight to a small restaurant called Barbutto in the west village, the italian food there is amazing, it was a night so beautiful the sunset and summer in new york, what had happened this week? I am really excited though, I am preparing a really beautiful collection for September fashion week, this will be the show that blows all shows away, a multimedia event that no other has ever dreamed. I am concerned of my tv experience. I have to be strong and believe, it will all be amazing. I remember when I first came to New York in the 90's. I was so amazed it was so grande, in a way so different from any other city I had ever lived in, and very hard, but the city provided and I grew to be strong,not to mention the events, red carpets,galleries it has been amazing. I have suddenly become so tired, I think its carbohydrates, but dinner was amazing, I love Italian. I heard so many of your stories tonight, your lifes experiences, I am so honoured that you have shared them with me please dont give up on this, if we all try, we can make our future a beautiful place. Dont be afraid, fear keeps us from our dreams, I remember once being so ashamed of what I experienced as a child that I could not focus on my goals because there was so much pain, there is no need to ponder that, it still hurts but the brain is a muscle and like our bodies we can better our thoughts of ourselves. There is one dress I am so in love with for this collection, any woman who wears it will look like a goddess, I wonder what models I will use this season, I really would love to have linda evangelista, she is so beautiful , I remember all of those shots Steven meisel did of her in the 90's he was brilliant, I think when you find such beauty like I did in Bronwen you are so inspired it helps you grow as an artist.I remember meeting Steven a few times, I really enjoy his energy and photography, but I really love what Len prince did with me, and bruce, wow I never looked so beautiful. I always wish I had studied or mentored with someone, but my ideas were so strong I was afraid I would stop growing and lose myself in their art, which would have made me really unhappy, I got a call from my agent today, I love William Morris, well I have been approached by three other agencies after this show, I am prepared for more , I really want my show,I see how many of you are searching as I did, I want to be there for you. I would also love to dance on broadway again, I miss the theatre. I dont mind working really hard I have a great team around me that if I had to do a six month contract I could it would not hinder my designs by any means, I remember creating when all of my energies were stimulated, the work and flow was beautiful. Well this has been a huge week , maybe I will go to the beach tomorow, I find such peace in the ocean and the movement of water is so inspiring. Besides I need to be around nature right now, this week was really sad. Maybe I should sell all of my couture samples and start fresh, its great feng shui, Chin up darlings and believe you can do it and you will succeed beyond your wildest dreams.


Blogger jess. said...

i am so glad to hear that you have been approached by three agencies already. and it's just the beginning.

moving to nyc in less than a month and i hope it's like you say.. hope i grow to be strong and i hope the city becomes even more amazing. also hoping to find good restaurants. :)

i don't know how you manage to be so upbeat and positive, but it's amazing. inspirational is a better word.. it's not only your optimism, but also all that ambition you have too. may all your dreams be fulfilled.

take care. don't hurt. and enjoy yourself if you're going to the beach tomorrow.

11:32 PM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Wow, New york sounds amazing. congratz on everything. I hope it'll be the same in NY in 5 years if i get accepted into the college I want to go to. If you still live there, if your not living in Europe or Asia, in 5 years it would be so cool to meet you!

Kathleen <3

12:51 AM  
Blogger Amasa said...

Barbutto huh? Hmm, what is the address? I love eating out and only regret that I can't do it more often.

My favorite restaurant, Gyu-Kaku, is at 34 Cooper Square, a block down from the Astor Place stop on the 6 train. It's Japanese grill cuisine, yakiniku, which I'm sure you know all about, and Gyu-Kaku is highly affordable and particularly delicious. Gyu-kaku came recommended to me by a Japanese friend from Tokyo, so that's how I knew it was authentic and good, and I've been taking all my friends to it.

Your observations about New York are interesting. I was born and raised in New York City -- but in the Bronx, which is a different experience from Manhattan proper. People believe that the outer boroughs, the areas that have not been gentrified, have little to offer. They're afraid of the poor people of color who live here. They say condescendingly that there is nothing to do. They murmur half-fearfully, half-scornfully about the risk of violence...

They don't mention the beauty of the people here, the women in their shawls, the girls that sparkle beneath the sun, the playfulness of the men, how giving and genuine everyone is, how the lilting tongues of a thousand different countries match birdsong in their aural aestheticism. They don't mention that because they don't care... How many days has Queens been without electricity, after all? No way would Bloomberg let the Upper West Side go that long without electricity. But I digress...

If you go to the beach, hon, make sure you heed the weather warning -- it's supposed to rain all weekend. I think Monday is the first clear day. I would love to go to the beach but I recently got my first tattoo, so I must take care to keep it out of the sun.

It says "Writers Write," which is a bit of my own life story. I'm only eighteen -- nineteen on the 29th!! go go Leos!! -- so the story of my life is not very long, but it has its share of heartbreak and madness. Just as you breathe design, I live the written word, and my tattoo is a reminder that my first recourse should always be my words. Not the knife, not the bottle, but the pen. I think it is as good a sentiment to be engraved on my body as any.

You're such a talented person -- I love hearing about all the things you're doing in your professional life. One day I hope I can reach success as you have, without selling my heart or soul. :)

1:25 AM  
Blogger c ceres merry said...

I have been here in NYC all along, over in the East Village, wish we would have run into each other before but its a big place.. :)

Its a bit crowded but the food is amazing

I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

2:58 AM  
Blogger Anyacat said...

For my money, Rao's has the best restaurant red sauce ever, but then it's impossible to get a reservation. Anyway, there's nothing in life that cannot be made better after a nice plate of good ol' pasta. There's a place in Brooklyn I'd like to recommend, but, of course, I've forgotten the name, maybe when it comes to me...

I hate to flog a dead pony, but I wonder if you will try that "pageant" dress again but in some lighter material?

To all and sundry: I visited the poisonous Angela's Web site and found her combat boot fashion sensibility is reflected in her "designs"--really hick chic. I am sure she's a fine person, with many wonderful qualities, but design may not be one of them. Of course, what do I know, as I cannot even replace a missing button (but then, if I am expected to replace a missing button, why did the gods send us all those nice Koreans who opened all those nice cleaning an button-replacing establishments?).

To Amasa: Yes, writers write and do so every day. If you are very lucky, you will be published, but actually the process of writing is the thing. I hope you journal, it's good discipline and excellent research when you are constructing a story. We always think we will remember every of what we observe, but as humans we tend to forget, that is, when we are not embellishing the memory. And although there is nothing wrong with embellishment, the first emotion is often the most important of the fine details you will need to tell your story.

Adversity may make us stronger, but what's the sense of being a spiritual Hercules every dream comes crashing down around you? Once in awhile, it's good to have a dream realized. This way, while licking your wounds in the rubble, you can at least remember a time when life was good.

4:10 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

Do you realize how inspiring you are?

There's something about you... I'm not sure what it is... I think it's a combination of vulnerability, desire, hope and enthusiasm that pierced my heart.

Earlier this week I'd been a bit down after a series of disappointments in my own business. I had passively watched the last episode of PR but hadn't fully reacted... too distracted by my blah busy-ness. Hours later as I walked my dogs, you popped into my mind... and the sadness hit me. I broke down. Thinking about you. Thinking about me. Thinking about disappointment and being (temporarily) denied something you want deeply.

Something about you allowed me to find and really feel the sadness and despair in me. What a gift... to move out of the blah grayness into the intense feeling! I also realized that I was temporarily buying into the notion that success *means something* about who I am.

When I got home I googled you, found this blog and have begun to heal my own pain vicariously through you! (Virtual communities are wild and amazing!) And now I can feel the balloon of my heart slowly reinflating with it's usual hope, joy and optimism.

I think you are wonderful and fascinating. I wish you great success and happiness, but most of all, I wish you the knowledge that you are beautiful and wonderful as you are! So be successful for the fun of it, not to prove anything because you are already enough. (Note to self: "And that goes for you too, Miss Erin!")

Thank you, thank you, thank you... for showing up on my tv, for sharing your vulnerability, for voicing your hope and optimism. You were the mirror I needed to find myself again.

Love, Erin

PS - I hope you do go on Oprah and share your story with the world!

5:52 AM  
Blogger c ceres merry said...

I hope if you woke up at the beach it looked like this... :)

(got the happy pic of you from BPR)

8:45 AM  
Blogger Lauren said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:33 AM  
Blogger Lauren said...

You radiate creativity and have too much in you to let it go to waste. Someone with as many talents that come so naturally cannot help but to become something great. You are a true inspiration, and I wish you the best of luck, though I am most positive you won't need it.

9:34 AM  
Blogger emily said...

Hello, Hello!
I am so thrilled to find your blog.

It is really something extraordinary when a person's mere existance, and the way in which they choose to live their life, is fascinating and inspiring. You are one such person, and I know that many, many others are beating down your internet-door to tell you just the same. Its the sort of thing where you look at a person, listen to them speak, see the things that they create, and think "I am so glad this person is in the world".

We all looked at you on the television and thought "What a person! What is wrong with the world that this person, this sensitive, elegant person isn't being handed it all on a pretty plate?"

I cannot wait to see your new work...your aesthetic and the points of inspiration that you draw from are so seductive and beautiful. I would be honored to be your friend, as I'm sure hordes of others have already expressed. You belong to something. And I am so glad you are in the world.


10:35 AM  
Blogger Sweepin-Beauty said...

Hello Malan, I,ve never responed to anyone from a TV program before, but I really feel the need to write to you. Im not a designer,though I have been sewing since I was 5. Its just something I,ve been doing my whole life. There,s a wonderful feeling when you take a flat piece of material and turn it into a beautiful garment, As you well know. But anyway...back to my point. You touched my Heart and I really think the judges were out to lunch when they let you go from PR. Such a loss for you and for the viewers. It would have been a joy to watch you work. I think your designs are Out of this World Fantastic. It was great news to hear that 3 agencies(so far) have approched you. Dont let those rating whores at Bravo discorage you. Im feeling a bit better now ( but not gr8) that i,ve got that off my chest. Im not alone in my feelings. I just came from the PR site and read 73 pages of people saying the same thing...Malan was robbed!!!!! You have touched so many people & we all love you.Your so much better than those Macoroni Arts & Crafters you left behind on the program. Hoping for a Bright and Amazing Future for you. Your Friend.....Kerry (Sweepin-Beauty) a seamstress from Michigan.

10:54 AM  
Blogger swollenfinger said...

I'm always a bit late, watching Project Runway on TiVo when I get a chance (busy mom). I was just heart broken to see you go - I won't say who should have gone because that isn't very nice, but it most certainly shouldn't have been you.

Best of luck in ALL you do, I know you'll go far.


11:33 AM  
Blogger glitznglamour said...

i agree with what everyone is saying - and i normally don't respond to any shows as well but somehow i felt inspired to do so - maybe its because i'm Taiwanese and i find it very interesting that you were born there - i wished that you could've stayed longer on the show because i was really looking forward to see your work.. before i watched this week's PR, i went to to check the summary and when i saw that you were eliminated i felt really sad - i didn't want to watch it but i just wanted to see why you lost - well, i don't think you shouldve been the one eliminated.. THEY SHOULDVE given you ONE MORE CHANCE!! and you were really great when Heidi asked who should be the one leaving and you said 'you' rather than your partner (as most people would defend themselves even if its unreasonable) - you seem like a really great person - when i first saw you on PR i was thinking hmm he looks a bit stuck up .. i wonder if he'll be the confident, stuck up snob - but seeing more of you on PR made me feel that i was so wrong because you seem like a really nice person!!! anyways, it would be great if you posted more about your life (and experiences) cuz i would really love to read about it - the story about your mom saying those things to you is really shocking and makes me really sad - but anyways, i think you've proved her wrong - good luck with everything and be happy always - =)

11:58 AM  
Blogger market chippie said...

I adore NY so much.

Your success in this world seems--no, is--inevitable. Between your talent, class, and drive, I know you will come to great things. Karmic rewards and all that. Ah, you are so inspiring and it's amazing to read this blog and see how many people love you. Not a surprise! I hope someday I will find myself wearing one of your creations. Your aesthetic is amazing.

1:42 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

I'm glad to hear everything's going well for you! You deserve it.

I adore NYC. Everytime I ride the PATH in and I step onto the gray, gum splotched sidewalk, I'm happy. It's odd; everytime I go into NYC my faith in humanity is restored. It just makes me love people again. I don't know what it is. Just something about those 8 million people bustling about. That's probably my favorite thing about the place: not the concerts, the museums, the architecture. It's the people that make it worth it.

But don't underestimate the Garden State. Our nature is breathtaking. From the forest of the Ramapo Reserve to the beaches of Avalon. So here's your offical NJ invite. You're welcome here!

Hope to talk to you soon,

2:02 PM  
Blogger sa3371 said...

Hi, Malan--

I just wanted to drop a quick line to wish you the very best. I will not take up your time with my own story, but I just wanted to let you know that I will follow your career with great interest. I'll be looking for your designs and listening for your voice! I know that you'll do well.

4:40 PM  
Blogger Becca said...

The first episode of PR this season, my first reaction was "I absolutely adore the way he laughs!" It made me smile every time I heard it, it was so genuine. I've never commented on anyone's blog before, but I searched for yours because this world is a more beautiful place because you are in it, and I'll look forward to seeing more of you in the future.

You may not always feel it, but I have no doubt that you are a light in the life of all you meet. I wish there were more like you, my dear!

5:00 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Your story is so inspiring...I could feel the emotion and pain you felt but could also see the beauty in your soul. You have never given up and it inspires me to not give up on my dreams. God bless you and I pray for much success and happiness.

5:43 PM  
Blogger Britty said...

When you say smoking jacket, do you mean a jacket for smoking, or do you mean that you look totally rad in given jacket?

11:06 PM  
Blogger moonwabbit said...

malan, i commend you for being so humble. I was so very sad when i saw you say good-bye to PR. Seriously, i wanted to give u a hug :). But It sounds like all is going great for you now! You are truly talented and are an inspiration. I am so happy to find you blog! Best of luck!!!

1:14 AM  
Blogger Atoli said...

I always enjoy hearing from you, Malan.

New York sounds so amazing...I would love to pay the place a visit. Sadly, I live on the opposite side of the country in Los Angeles. But maybe some day...

Anyways, I hope you're time at the beach was refreshing.

Until next time,

4:16 AM  
Blogger gogopilgrim said...

Hi Malan, so you are going to show your collection in the coming NY fashion week? if so, i'm really excited and happy for you. Linda E is one classic beauty, so elegant and versatile. it'd be great if you can have her to open or close your show. if you can't have her, Elise Crombez is another model i recommend you. Mr. Meisel loves them. :)

anyway, enjoy the beach, the nature. :D

6:22 AM  
Blogger c ceres merry said...

my sweetie is away recording an album at the moment and funny enough he also records and works with many of the ABC voice-over guys (such nice people!) and I will share your reel with him and now you are a celebrity voice-over star, although I think other things are keeping you busy most likely :) So since he is away I have been keeping myself busy with various artsy things and vintage and thrift store wanderings and its funny how I look at pieces and wonder what you'd have to say about this and that fashion. I also stop by your little "salon" here to see what new comment has been posted- you attract the nicest people! Well, hope you are having a wonderful time and hope all who stop by here are too. *waves*

8:24 AM  
Blogger Ava said...

Oh, New York sounds so nice. I hope to live there someday :)Your collection sounds gorgeous, I can't wait for September.

9:17 AM  
Blogger Kirin said...

If you ever do get back into theatre, be sure to let all of your fans know. You have a beautiful voice. Who knows, maybe you and I will bump into each other on Broadway one day.

9:54 AM  
Blogger kokokringle said...

You were so robbed with PR. Your dress was 40,000,000 times more deserving to move on than Angela!

12:53 PM  
Blogger ursulastruely said...

you are such a fabulous human being. I wish you all the best in life!

2:39 PM  
Blogger Christin said...

There is definitely something about you that has touched many people, myself included. Your creativity, your determination, your passion, your vulnerability, the hint of sadness in your seems to have stirred emotions in others for many different and personal reasons.

For myself, having never responded to a blog before, but I wanted to know more of you, to know what other beautiful things you could design, to know what it is about you that pushes you to continue moving forward in the face of obsticals.

So many people let the insecurities of others stand in the way of their dreams. It can be so easy to listen to the negative, and become trapped in the web of what other people "think" is right for you to do. It becomes so difficult to forge ahead in the face of adversity, but when you continue to follow your own path, and pursue your own dream, you find the strength and motivation within yourself to continue to forge ahead.

It was apparent that it was very difficult for you to leave the show, especially with all of that creativity just bursting to get be seen, to be experienced, to be enjoyed. I think you are an incredibly talented designer!! I definitely think Project Runway was just the beginning for you, and was a great opportunity for the world to see you.

I definitely think you should write a book, and share your inspiring story with the world. From this Blog, it is apparent to me that MANY people are already inspired by you, and want to know more (then you could go on Oprah to promote your book!)

Please remember that out of the thousands of people who tried to get on the show, YOU were one of the elite 15. That alone is a small testimonial to your talent. There is so much more for you out there. I hope that the experience of the show has inspired you to keep moving forward, especially after so many of us on the outside are supporting you in our own way (even with just words of encouragement in your Blog!)

I wish you oceans of happiness, and may your continued strength and determination propell you forward to bigger and better things.

Take care, and know that you are loved!


4:03 PM  
Blogger Annie said...


I am endearing this to you because you are a man of passion. Of great spirit. And I suppose that someone of such character could understand the strains of a flickering dream.

I am a romantic of a different era, born in the wrong time and place for greatness. Through my eyes, the past is a beautiful rendering of the human condition, a world displayed in color and vibrance. It is not that I don't look to the future; rather, I spend my days with sights set on tommorrow and endless nights pouring myself into the past.

I love history, of all eras. I don't see the black and white, perchance sepias that most perceive the subject with; for me, it is illuminated in the agonizing reds, the bright bisque yellows, and the blues that seem to be caverns in their depth. I cannot justify this. It is who I am. I am the bayonets of eighteenth century warfare, the mobbed pleas for freedom and revolution, the slow crackle of civil war, the beaded pleasure and raw sensuality of the 1920s, the polka dotted smiles of the nifty fifties.

Malan, I am trying to paint for you my passion, something I could never do for anyone else. I could not and cannot do it to my parents, for among them my wrist falls limp and brush is quickly abandoned. They cannot understand this. There is something inside of me that has to be let out and spread; I want to paint this vision I have for the world, so they may understand themselves better by seeing the brilliant hues of what I know is history. I think that this is what you want to do with your clothing. I may be wrong, I may be right. But either way, I think you understand.

Yet despite the abstraction of what I dream, I will not give up hope. One day, the world will see what I have to offer; and if I can change just one life, that may be enough. It is impossible to teach the subtleties of any great passion (and I believe that the history I perceive is a sort of flowing beauty, an art to me in any respect), but I want to open minds and perspectives.

There are some things in life that cannot be seen without the eyeglass of a passionate spirit.

Stay true, Malan. I hope to hear from you, if possible. Thank you for reading, if you have gotten this far.

You're a doll.


5:07 PM  
Blogger midwestdruid said...

It is wonderful to hear what has been going on with you, that the future is looking so good. You are sending out wonderful energy, and that energy will return to you - as like attracts like.

I just looked at the pictures of your fall line on your website, it looks terrific!

Brightest blessings to you,

7:39 AM  
Blogger imluved said...

The more I read what you write, the more I find myself attatched to it. Your words are so heartfelt, so real. I have a question...have you ever considered writing as part of your career? I would love to read a book about your trials and triumphs as a designer. So many people connect with you, and hey, it might land you on Oprah!

9:19 AM  
Blogger Justin said...

I was really sad to see you go :( It broke my heart in a way. But I have full faith in you that you will be amazing. You are destined to do this, its in your soul. You are a great inspiration to aspiring designers around the world. I could see the love and passion in your work and it truely is touching. You will go far and I will be checking in and cheering you on all the way! You are an amazing persona nd I have full faith in you.

10:49 PM  
Blogger ArsenicJulep said...

What a pity that people don't wear smoking jackets much anymore! I guess they're a relic of a more elegant era. Then again, it's just as well that people don't smoke like they did; an oxygen tank and a nasal tube are not exactly glamorous accessories. I will never forget a Gaultier smoking jacket I saw once at the Neiman Marcus outlet. It was made of Chinese dragon-printed silk jacquard in red, gold, and black. "Only" $200, down from $1,000+. My defense-lawyer brother had no use for it, but I've never forgotten it.

10:11 AM  
Blogger Teresa said...

Ahhh. You're amazing. Seriously. I think I'm in love. ;] Just reading what you had to say [this was the first entry I read on your blog] made me think "Wow, he is really thoughtful." Your insight is so wonderful... & you are so inspirational to so many people. I love it/you. ;] [Not in a creepy stalker-ish way, of course!]

I've bee to New York twice already in my young life [I'm only in High School] & I'm absolutely in love with the city. It's breathtaking... & I saw my first broadway play, The Phantom of the Opera, there. The second time I went was with my high school marching band, we were invited to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade. It was truly a once in a lifetime experience... We came all the way from California.

Much love, Malan. Stay optimistic.

11:38 PM  

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